Secret secrets

I remember one time when I was in the second or third grade, I was sitting in a swing in the Colvin School schoolyard during recess when one of my female classmates approached. At this age, I had only a blurry vision that girls were good for something, but had not yet put my finger on exactly what that might be. This young lady, who, as I recall (you’re believing this, right?) was wearing a short little skirt and had barrettes in her sandy blonde hair just above each ear. She had been following me around the whole school year for reasons unknown to me. I might mention that incidents of this nature ceased immediately upon my eventually learning what girls were good for. They can sense that, I suspect.

Anyway, with hands clasped behind her back, she leaned forward and whispered in my ear, “I know a secret.”

I wasn’t sure what to make of this. But it seemed reasonable to presume that she was about to share this secret with me. I was all ears. And then the bell rang and she abruptly walked away.

What was that all about? Curious, now, I slid out of the swing and followed her as she made her way back into the school. As we were about to enter the classroom I came up from behind and whispered in her ear, “What’s the secret?”

Without looking at me, she leaned over and whispered back, “I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.”

This was my first experience with the workings of the female mind.

# # #

All kidding aside, everyone has secrets. Some of them probably don’t really need to be kept a secret, I suppose. Others, though, would bring down the house if they were to see the light of day. We accumulate secrets as we progress through life. Things happen. We do things. We see others do things. And we begin to build an entire catalogue of dark information that we have determined is best withheld from others.

Sometimes, there are those in government who deem that sufficient time has passed to allow the release of certain old secrets we have always been dying to know, like, what was actually said on those Nixon tapes, and who was Deep Throat. Or, who actually writes those books that are presumably authored by all those politicians? Anyway, what’s good enough for the feds should be good enough for the rest of us, dontcha’ think? Well, that’s obviously what they think.

So, here goes with some old secrets from my earliest years and later (okay, some of these may not meet the strict definition of a secret. But, I guess if you didn’t know about them, they would be a secret as far as you are concerned. Right?):

Louie used to sell fifty-cent condoms to middle school boys down at the gas station. Many of us had one–but it was a secret. From time to time we would have to buy a replacement because, after a few months, the gold foil wrapper on the old one would wear off from the friction in our wallets. To my knowledge none of us ever used those condoms for their intended purpose but always told one another that we did. In any event, we were always ready. For what, we weren’t entirely sure. Sometimes we would put them over the end of the tailpipe on some teacher’s car in the parking lot and then sit there on the curb and wait for him to come out and fire it up. That was fun.

Speaking of being ready, my dad once told me that when he was in high school the girls who worked as ushers at the old movie theater in our hometown were referred to by some as the “ever-ready” girls, and it wasn’t because of their flashlight batteries.

Whiskey and coke is not a good delivery system for Benafiber.

Girls who play football would rather be tight ends than wide receivers.

The president (any president), regardless of claims to the contrary, has little control over the prices of commodities, including oil and gasoline.

The big banks are too big (still).

The citizens of certain third world countries will always bite the hand that feeds them.

Many people do not understand the difference between correlation and causation.

Chances are pretty good that you will not win the state lottery (I would be willing to bet on it).

Some school systems are contemplating the elimination of recess for the elementary grades in order to save money. Secret: Little kids need to have recess a couple of times a day in order to blow off energy so they can sit still in class long enough to learn something.

And to share secrets.